Halfway There | The Health Battle: Part I

When my life splintered and shattered this year, there were so many pieces to the puzzle involving my relationship, my health and fundamentally, my entire sense of self, that I didn't know where to start.

Now, as one piece makes progress and finds calm day-by-day, it helps the other pieces heal (a sentence that could be referencing any one piece of the puzzle at any given moment and ring true of the others). I've truly discovered how interconnected I am, and by extension, we are. All of us.

From the tiniest of cells to the greatest of beings, our minds, bodies and spirits work in stunning synergistic partnership for our whole health. Each of our bodies are as intricately woven as a spider web: so strong and deliberate, yet so fragile. 

As much as I've been healing from heartbreak this year, I've also known I was physically ill in some way, too. My body was clearly not well, but I was not exactly sure why. I've often talked about my quest to understand and improve my health and wellness over the past couple years.

During these two years, I've struggled and been so confused about the root of my problems; how much of my issues were related to pregnancy and some of the small traumas during and after birth that stick with you — related to not only my health, but leaving my career as I knew it behind — and how much was stress from my relationship. I wanted and needed to identify the root cause to better attempt to fix it all. But at its core, my biggest struggle was with the self-imposed myth that I was the problem: I was not enough, I had no self-control, I had no will power and worst of all, I was failing at everything and had given up on myself. Negative self talk headquarters took up residence in my head. 

Attempts to "get better" or "be better" had no context in which I could ground myself (i.e. medically identified root causes). So my attempts to be "better" (bellyache-free, thinner and therefore, enough) usually manifested as a start-stop-and-restart exercise and diet routine, simplifying my situation down to the assumption that I was just not living a healthy enough life.

Which was partially true; I wasn't living a very healthy life. But improper diet and insufficient exercise were not the sole root causes of anything, because no matter what I adjusted when it came to eating and moving my body, I was still exhausted beyond comprehension, never losing weight nor gaining real strength, and battling depression and a tormented mind. I was a fragile house of cards collapsing on itself, unable to heal because no one part of me was strong enough to hold up the other parts.

The truth is, stabbing in the darkest of the darkness for so long created a reflex to restart and give up in an endless cycle, until one day I really and truly had enough and finally chose to fight for myself. I chose growth, and healing and loving myself first.

It didn't matter who else was fighting for me, if I was never fighting for myself. Early June, in the days leading up to my 34th birthday, was quiet and contemplative for me. I moved through the mental process of wiping a clean slate, forgiving and moving forward to start anew; fully focused on the present and squarely facing the future.

As the Strawberry Moon rose on the summer solstice of my birthday weekend, I bought a new journal and filled its first pages with new intentions, new boundaries, new motivation, new effort and most importantly, a new frame of mind headquartered in positive self-talk. 

Almost one month later, as we approach mid-July, I've crossed the threshold of some big summer milestones — including My Ex leaving Los Angeles and moving back to New Hampshire to be nearby our daughter, which has been a peaceful and positive transition for us both, and a second eye opening visit to my naturopath late in June to review a series of test results that finally gave us some answers. 

Being just steps on the other side of this threshold, I view it as a halfway point. The first half being what I've experienced up until now. The second half being what I do with the information and insight I've gleaned moving forward.

I have everything I need and I know what to do. I just need to nurture it, take care of it and do it. Because it really is time for this phoenix to rise, and I'm ready.